If there is one thing that The Cheerleaders (1973) has taught me it’s that cheerleaders are a vermin on society, they suck the lifeforce from men and they spread communicable diseases like a rabid animal; they must be stopped.
You might think I’m kidding but if you haven’t seen this movie you simply don’t understand. These girls are dangerous and they live and breathe in our society and walk around like the rest of us. Forget Zombies, forget terrorists, forget white guys with guns, the real menace within our culture are these short-skirted-killers.
Director, Writer, Producer, and even Editor Paul Glickler has delivered a public service announcement that should have been heralded much differently than just some trash film. He was trying to save us, save every virile man on the planet from imminent destruction and since 1973 we have just ignored his warning.
Or maybe he was just making a softcore porno.
Let me be very clear about this, this movie is a softcore porno. DO NOT watch this movie anywhere in which friends, strangers or family members could walk into the room. You will be left with a conversation that you would never even fathom how to begin.
This movie is absolutely insane. I really can’t even begin to describe what’s contained within it’s walls but I’ve made it my mission to unpack these films and expose them to a slightly larger audience than the few dozen people who have seen them.
Let’s start by taking a look at the trailer:
Do you understand the warning signs Mr. Glickler was trying to herald within this trailer? They are all there: How to spot one of these monsters, their powers of persuasion and mind-control, the sexual assault on innocent men, and the overall danger these vermin pose.
“Statistics show that the more active the cheerleader, the more successful the team.” They are destroying us from within with the ruse of “winning” football games.
“It’s fair to assume that if three cheerleaders can lead a team to six victories, imagine what six cheerleaders can do?” If this isn’t a warning sign, I don’t know what is, and if you thought this trailer would use proper English diction you’d be wrong.
Even more bizarre, the trailer ends with this quote flashed on screen:
“Everything you ever wanted to know about Cheerleaders but were afraid to ask is now exposed on the big theatre screen.”
Yes, they are exposed, and exposed well Mr. Glickler. I applaud your efforts in trying to get the masses to understand this plague on American society. However, I feel your efforts have gone in vain as this movie is really only regarded by the “masses” as a softcore porn that promotes unprotected teenage sexual activities and rape.
So let’s talk a little bit about the movie.
Jeannie is a high school girl who wants to break out of her virgin slump but she is just not getting it done. Her boyfriend Norman is a real stick in the mud who cares more about work than working her, her dad is a real disciplinarian and pervert, and her brother likes to jack off with the door open. Yes, Jeannie is in a real rut and the only way to dig herself out of this void is to become a cheerleader and find someone to fill that hole in her life.
Lucky for her she is friends with some of the cheerleaders from Amarosa high and once she tells them she is “gasp” a virgin, they exclaim, “we didn’t know there were any left in California,” and they are determined to help her solve this problem.
Once she makes the team it’s a constant quest to help her lose that dreaded virginity but try as they might the cheerleaders simply can’t get anything inside her. Whether it’s attempting to get her shower raped by the entire football team, setting up a sexual encounter that ends with a Benny-hill-esque chase scene and a popped waterbed, having a group of bikers sexually assault her in front of a women’s bridge club, or literally putting her in the middle of an orgy, she simply cannot get laid. What the hell is a girl to do?
This is all I should really say about the movie. You absolutely must watch the movie or listen to the podcast to find out how it ends. It is one of the most confounding climaxes to a motion picture I have ever witnessed. Forget The Crying Game, forget The Six Sense, forget Memento, the end of this movie is a harbinger for the end of the world. Watch it.
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Next week’s movie is Chatterbox! (1977)